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A few years ago, when I was just staring out as a coach, I learned a lot about myself and the different ways you can approach growth for yourself. I was eager to share this knowledge with others, because I thought I knew it all. I thought I was going to save everyone from having a shitty, boring and unhealthy life.

Guess what?! None was waiting for me to give them a lecture about food or exercise.

You are only doing it for yourself

During that period of that, for about half a year, I found myself speaking (or was it ranting?) at social gatherings about things that had been relevant to me, but weren't necessarily to others at that moment. I was trying to help others by telling them that eating pastas and bread is bad for you, but really, I was helping myself being seen and heard, because that was what I was insecure about.

Even if what I was sharing with people was objectively true and helpful, the way I forced my learnings and insights upon others, wasn't of any help.

This might happen to you as well some times. You think you know what is best for someone else, and you start giving them advice, sending them links to articles or products, for example. But how often has that really helped that person? Is it true that it is you, really, that is in need of something, like attention, love or affirmation?

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"I am better than you"

There is one big problem with with helping someone without knowing if they actually want your help (besides it being annoying). The main problem is that you are taking a way a person's opportunity to take responsibility for their own problems and situation, potentially contributing to that person's pattern of behavior of being dependent on other people's help.

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By thinking that someone cannot do it (by) themselves, you place yourself 'above' that person, discounting their autonomy. By helping someone without them having asked for it, you communicate that you know better, you are better capable. How helpful is that really?

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"Do you want help with that?"

What you can do, instead, is to confirm if that person is in need of something. Even more powerful is to say that you feel the need to help, because you are afraid that someone might end-up in a difficult situation, which would be hard for you to digest as a friend, for example. Then, check if that person also sees that risk or problem. Make clear that the responsibility is theirs, but that you are willing to help if they want.

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That is all you can do, the rest is up to the other person. The only thing that is your responsibility is to handle the outcome of the situation, whatever that is going to be.

So if someone decides to do something 'stupid' and they don't want help making a different decision, it is up to you to live with that.

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Reflection time!

Take some time to reflect on all this:

• Have you ever tried to help someone, mostly because you were uncomfortable not to?
• What was it that you were trying to help yourself with?
• Would you be able to share your need with that person and ask them for help, instead of taking the 'one-up' position and 'helping' them?

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